Kicking Life in the Face

Smile.

2011-05-23T17:13:00.002-04:00

best. video. ever.

Reflecting and moving forward

2010-12-03T13:49:00.000-05:00

The NYC marathon was a success. I didn't exactly make my time goal, but being 8 minutes off with 4:38:21 was completely commendable, considering my first marathon in 2008 was a 5:37. An hour off my best time is not too shabby.

And, within the couple of days after completing the NYC marathon, I had decided that I'd be running another marathon. In March. The National Marathon is on March 26, 2010, and after thinking it over, having initially decided to run the half, I thought, "why not?" and signed up for the full. My figuring is that if I cannot keep up with the full training schedule through the cold running days of NY wintertime, I can always drop down to the half. But, it gives me something to push toward and keeps me running. This time, I want to keep that cross training in check, really build my core, stamina, and drop a few pounds to hit the initial time goal of 4:30. I know I can do it. I just have to push. Keep pushing.

Training anxiety

2010-10-02T00:04:00.001-04:00

I'm reviewing my run map for tomorrow morning again. I cannot get to sleep yet. Between the loud neighbors having some party in the backyard to my mind racing about where I'll be when I hit which mile and where there will be water to refill the bottle and if the 4 Gu's are enough for the 22 miles. 22 miles. What? I have no idea what is going on. Who runs 22 miles? Well, I had better, since I am running from home and ending up at Central Park, which will be around 9 miles. Then I am completing the final 13 miles there by running a half marathon race. I don't really have other options. That's what's happening. I will get there and I will run there.

And, that will be the worst of it. This will be my longest run in my training. I made it through 15, 18, 20. I can make it through this. And then I will taper. And then I will run the marathon. I still care how fast I will end up going, but not enough to let it ruin my experience. I decided that I had to give up on my time goals just because I would rather finish smiling, than finish with a scowl. So, goal is to finish, to enjoy the day. If I make it under 4:30, all the better.

I am frustrated that I feel alone in my training right now. It's what I wanted and what I planned--to do this alone. But, I feel like there is no one to train with anymore. I have to do my 22 how I want to do my 22. And, that's it. This will be, by far, the longest distance I have ever covered by myself. Part is with other racers, but none is with a partner. And, the Shuffle is staying home. It's just gonna be me for a few hours.

Danger Danger! High Mileage!

2010-09-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

It's that time again. Time for ice baths and sore feet. Hobbling up and down stairs, feeling like my knees are that of an 85 year old.

Yesterday I completed the longest run of my training so far. It was supposed to be 20 miles, but with a bit extra it ended up being closer to 20.5 or so. It was also the most mileage I've had in any given week, I think maybe ever in my life. Though a lot of distance runners tend to log somewhere between 50-70 miles a week, I've never done that. My midweek runs tend to be shorter than they probably should, and I don't have a ton of them. So, last week, I actually was able to get out and run a total of 5 days, bringing my weekly grand total to just over 42 miles! That is huge for me and gives me confidence to keep pushing. I am sore today, but I don't feel hurt in any bad way.

I am just hungry. So hungry. Time to eat.

Powering up

2010-09-15T12:48:00.001-04:00

Forgive me. It's been over 3 months since my last blog entry.

I had meant to keep up with blogging while I was away on the roadtrip this summer, but I just had no time or inclination to write while I was on the road. I took a lot of photos and did some regular Facebook updating to stay in touch with folks who wanted to see where I was, but dropped the blog altogether. It was really more about the experience. The life-affirming experience that made me appreciate the wonders of the rest of the U.S. after hitting 18 national parks, and also appreciate that I live in the greatest city. And I belong here.

So, the questions I got upon my return were the direct "what was your favorite part?" and the indirect "sooo....how was it?" (translation, "are you and D still together?") The answer is yes, D and I are going strong. As for favorites, I have a hard time with any sort of favorite list, but I do know I want to return to Utah/Arizona and hike down into the canyons.

One of my "favorites." Arches National Park, Utah.


Inspiration Point @ Bryce Canyon NP, Utah.

So, I'm back in BK. Back training. I was scared for a while this summer that I wouldn't be able to get my training in order for the NYC Marathon in November, but I am up and at it. I have my first 20 miler planned for this Sunday and we are less than 2 months away from the race.

This is the longest I've ever planned ahead in my life. I can't believe that I was training over 2 years ago for my first marathon. I feel like this is the longest goal-setting I've ever had. In 2008, I made the decision to run the 2010 NYC Marathon by qualifying in 2009. And, that is actually what's happening.

and, I'm off!

2010-06-03T23:47:00.004-04:00

So much has happened these last few months! Tomorrow early morning, I am off to Iowa to join D and his fam, go to a wedding, and then head out west in a car I can't currently drive (need to be taught stick...again). Maybe this time the instructions will...stick? Sorry.

Anyway, yeah. Road trip for 8 weeks. 8 weeks. What? In my geekdom, D and I have been working off a spreadsheet. I am in love with Google Docs. Seriously.

So, many national parks, breweries, lots of backpacking and camping, cool cities where I've yet to go, large balls of twine, wine, bikes, horses, mountains, and bears. I have no idea what I'm in for.

I'll be attempting to keep up the blog with posts and photos from our travels, so stay tuned.

well, well

2010-04-27T17:55:00.002-04:00

As Annie Hall would say...la dee da.

If that was her use of the English language when she was uncomfortable or didn't quite know what to say, I think that it's fitting right about now. How life can change in a couple of months. I've never been one to be under the delusion that I will remain consistent in my opinions or viewpoints. And, as I am reminded on a daily basis, "we must let go of the life we planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." And, how different that life turns out to be.

Job seeking has not been the best. I mean, it's been an interesting time in life. Going through job postings, some of which make me want to vomit, and figuring out what it is that I can see myself doing for any length of time. Interesting that I used to use this same gauge as a dating method...if he didn't make me want to vomit, I'd accept a second date.

But, really, I'd like to go through life on a higher level than avoiding throwing up. You know? Isn't there a better way to exist? I mean, sure, it's nice not to throw up. But, really, I want to actually seek happiness in my existence and feel good about my life.

Every day I hear people complain about their lives. It doesn't really matter what they are up to. Maybe they are a student complaining about frustration with a professor. Maybe they are fed up with their job, for any number of reasons. Maybe they are unemployed. Maybe they are single and lonely. Maybe they are attached and at the end of their rope. Everyone has something they can grasp onto that makes them unhappy.

I've realized that as of late, I don't really complain that much (well, compared to how I've been in the past). And, that is something. I have to really search my life and my mind for those things to complain about. Maybe aiming to maintain this sort of existence...one without as much complaint...maybe that's a start.

For now, I'll continue by taking spin and yoga this evening. And brainstorming about exciting summer possibilities...

Applying. Myself.

2010-03-02T16:09:00.002-05:00

March Madness. And, time to get this here show on the road.

This time off from working is weird. Funny how things change. I thought I'd do a whole bunch of soul searching. I mean, I suppose I have in some ways, but I've not come up with anything all that grand or innovative. I don't have money to travel, and have been feeling like if I picked up and left for a while, that would just be pressing a large pause button on the inevitable return to life. And, really, I like my life. And, I don't want to press pause.

Things I know:

1. I love Brooklyn. I do. I love it. I love being close to friends, I love being close to the park. I love walking/running everywhere. There are always new places to go and new faces to see. It is my home and I don't plan on leaving it any time soon. I just want to dig in deeper.

2. I LOVE my friends. I want to take them all and sleep in a pile. I used to think that I'd stop making friends at some point in my life. Like I also used to think that I'd stop liking new music. But, nothing ever stops. I am lucky and blown away by the amount of awesome people I have in my life.

3. I like to do stuff. I thrive on adventures. I want to go places, experience things, maintain a healthy and active lifestyle. I consider most things an adventure. Walking to Carroll Gardens this morning, every hash I go to. It's all an adventure.

4. I like to do nothing. Sometimes, I just want to sit around and not do much. At all.

5. I want to work. I have felt so uninspired lately and want to feel re-invigorated. I want to work somewhere that makes me feel proud. I want to be surrounded by smart, innovative wave-makers. I want to be part of a team.

6. I actually have no idea what lays ahead of me. I used to think that I knew what would happen. That there would be some conclusive life. I'd get married, have some kids. I just don't know now. And, that is OK. I can plan what I can plan. I like my calendar. But, I can't control everything. And life is always throwing surprises in the mix. And, they are good. Really good when I let myself enjoy them and pull me into them.

So, that's really it. Simple, really when you think about it. I'm going to attempt to get off my high horse and off my fences, cut the cliches out of my writing, and get over myself.

Today I applied for several jobs and will keep on keeping on. You never know what will happen. I am a house of glass and a stone-thrower. Life is coming up roses and I'm going to go for the low hanging fruit.

Gym, my BF. Stable and honest.

2010-02-17T22:16:00.002-05:00

Oh, yeah. It was nice to get back to Gym, my lovely BF today. He always is there for me. He might be a bit boring at times, but he is a constant, and he tells it like it is. Like when I got on the scale today and realized that I had indeed gained back the 5 pounds I recently lost. Proving once again that if I eat too much and exercise too little, weight won't magically disappear, nor will it stay the same.

So, it is back to pushing once again. I'd really like to shave a decent amount off this year, and hopefully a nice chunk prior to really starting to train for the marathon. Because once that mileage increases, I will be so HUNGRY. I know I need more cross-training, yoga, weight-training, speed/hill training and just an overall weekly mileage increase to help this, as well as cutting back on calories...and really cutting back on the alcohol. It's fully ridiculous how many calories I am able to pack into my body on a daily basis, many in liquid form, and some coming as late night snacking when I get home from wherever the hell I am. Or, like last night, the taco truck in Williamsburg. Which, by the way, is awesome. So, I don't regret it.

But, I started being a bit more aware today and will be even better tomorrow. And, I'll be exercising the majority of days each week, which means 4 at the very least, and more likely 5-6. I truly have no excuse right now to be sitting around when I have this time on my hands. I need to try to motivate to get to some 9:30am spin classes.

Tomorrow AM will be a lovely run with my newly Brooklynized Bex. Turns out that we can do a pretty similar length run starting and ending at our individual apartments. Very exciting news.

Adventure Seeking

2010-02-07T20:36:00.003-05:00

So, I've found myself in an interesting predicament. I have a lot of odd free time, but not a lot of money to spend. So, taking some big trip is not really in the cards right now, but I want to utilize this free time well. So, it's time to plan local adventures. Similar to how I was tracking the things I wanted to accomplish before I hit 30 in my old blog, I will now start making adventure plans and tracking them here.

Current list of adventures (some are things I've already done, but want to revisit):
-Hike length of Broadway in Manhattan
-Cloisters
-St. John the Divine
-PS1
-Queens Museum
-Visit docked boat in Hoboken
-Brighton Beach
-Daytime movie-hopping

I'm open to ideas...keeping a running list on the right.

Scallop Boy (an unedited short story written in 20 minutes)

2010-02-01T18:05:00.003-05:00

Joe left the basement apartment. He closed the door behind him and pulled on his jacket, holding it closed. The cold air hit his face on the side and blew in his ear as he tried to walk to the car, his bare hands gripping his keys. Once he walked the 20 feet and got to his car, he could hardly feel the fingers that were holding the key. He watched his hand unlock the door, like a phantom limb. But, the key turned and he opened the door.

He started the car, the last CD he put in blaring. He was brought back to the thoughts he had as he had left the car earlier--Remember the scallops and mussels in the bag. Where are my keys? They are in my hand.

He backed out of the gravel driveway onto the gravel road and down the hill to the main road. He turned on his right blinker and waited for a couple of cars to go by, while changing the CD. He turned onto the street, the new music filling his ears and making him smile.

The supermarket wasn’t far down the road, but sometimes, driving on these roads, stopping at the lights…a mile seems like 12. He was listening to the music, a new memory popping into his head. The first time he heard that song. He was brought back to a time before, driving in his car as a teenager.

Someone honked a horn behind him and he was brought back to the road, and the light that had turned green. He moved on ahead, and turned left into the supermarket parking lot. He hated this place. It was too big. He didn’t want to carry everything and knew that he’d end up walking down an aisle and seeing items he didn’t plan to get, throwing them in his basket. He just wanted to stick to the list he made earlier. It would be much easier if there was a small store that only carried the products he wanted to get at a given time.

He stepped out of the car and back into the cold. He hurried toward the market, holding his jacket together, shivering. His glasses started to steam up when he walked in the door. He couldn’t see well, but knew where the baskets were and grabbed one, heading further into the store. He stopped to removed his glasses and wipe the off steam with his shirt. He put them back on and continued to walk.

Suddenly, he stopped.

Everything he thought was around him wasn’t real. All the rows of vegetables and the view of the other aisles was just a large photograph on the wall. He looked to his left and saw a large salad bar. It was also a photograph. He could see the bakery and cheese counter behind the salad bar. But, like the salad bar, it was all just part of the photo.

Ahead of him was a table. He moved in closer to the table to see what was on it and if there were just more photographs. Spread across the table, labeled and in alphabetical order, were all of the items he had on his list. Beer, bloody mary mix, celery, cheese, cigarettes, cranberry juice, garlic, mashed potatoes, vegetables, wasabi. There was even the vodka right before the wasabi, even though the supermarket doesn’t carry hard liquor.

He didn’t know what to do. Everything was perfect. It was all the brands he would have chosen. The perfect quantities. Had he thought of this and made it happen? Could just his thinking, wishing for such a thing make it true? Maybe he had just smoked some laced marijuana. This couldn’t be real. Maybe he had taken an Ambien and was having a hallucination. Maybe he was actually at his apartment.

He took his glasses off and put them on again. He pinched his arm. But, there it all was. The photos on the walls and the items on the table. He turned around and saw one cash register on the way back to the door. There was a young girl standing behind it, reading a magazine and snapping her gum. It looked like an express lane, but there was no one else there. The lit up sign above the register said “Joe’s Items, No Less.”

He turned back to the table. And he thought about it--You know what? If this is how it’s gonna be, I’m just going with it. Screw overthinking this.

He moved toward the table and put the items in his basket. He brought them all to his register and put them on the belt. The cashier put her magazine down and started ringing up his order, placing the items in a recyclable bag that said “Joe’s Groceries.”

He paid with his credit card, signed the electronic keypad and left the store. The wind had stopped and he didn’t feel as cold. He didn’t even think about the cold on his way to the car. He left his jacket swinging open and carried his bag, happy he’d be home soon.

He got in the car and started the engine. The music started and he was again brought back to being a teenager, driving his car. He drove into his driveway, hardly remembering the turns he made to get there. He grabbed his bag and headed back to his apartment, still having some lingering teenage thoughts.

His friend was inside, listening to another album that made him think of something else from the past. He told her she had to hear another album by the same group, but his favorite one. She was typing but said that sounded cool.

He put the bag down and offered her a beer.

Up in the Air

2010-01-18T07:56:00.003-05:00

So, Thursday, my first full day off, I decided to just chill. I didn't have any real plans, so I stayed at home and then decided it would be a good idea to go to the movies. I mean, it was a Thursday, I didn't have much to do, and a 2pm movie sounded like a fantastic idea.

So, I picked out the tamest movie I could...I decided to see that new Meryl Streep/Steve Martin/Alec Baldwin romantic comedy because I figured that would be what was best for me.

OK. So, keep in mind, the backstory is that I got laid of on Monday...and I actually was supposed to have plans on Thursday with a guy I had seen a couple of times, but I didn't hear from him.

So, there I am at the ticket counter for the romantic comedy. I ask for my ticket and the woman at the booth says, "I just want you to know, this is a mommy and baby movie."

"Uh, what?"

"Mommys are allowed to bring their babies to this showing of the movie."

"Oh, well that's FAN tastic."

I bought the ticket anyway and while I was inside waiting for my popcorn and Cherry Coke (I don't drink soda), I saw a few women walking in with infants strapped to their chests. My own chest felt like it was going to implode, so I asked the ticket taker what theater "Up in the Air" was playing in. And, that's where I went.

If you haven't seen or don't know the plot of Up in the Air, the short short story is that it's basically about getting fired and being alone.

The opening scene is George Clooney's perspective of about 10 people who have just been fired by him. Their very individual reactions to being fired. His character also does some motivational speaking using an empty backpack to represent how detached from things and people you should be in your life.

So, not surprisingly, I was crying through much of this film while crunching my popcorn and sucking down my Cherry Coke.

There I was, fired and alone in a Park Slope movie theater with women and their infants in the theater next door and and the old couple behind me, talking through the whole movie.

I went home and went to bed early. So ended my first true day of unemployment.

Laid off.

2010-01-13T19:06:00.003-05:00

The last time I got laid off was by my brother. I was working as a snot-nosed, bleached-haired permalancer in television. Mainly just hanging around those days since we stopped production when we ran out of budget. He had to let the entire freelance staff go one day. The full-timers stayed on another week before the company shut down officially. This was in the year after 9/11 when all of the dot coms went out and the small media companies like us shortly followed.

Being laid off is kind of like being broken up with. Even if it's amicable and even if it has nothing to do with you (it's not you, it's me), even all things like that...it still hurts a bit. Like, you wanted to be the one to make the decision and instead someone else was in control.

I'm excited for my next steps. Four years of anything is a lot. This job outlasted both my long term relationships and certainly any other job I've had. The longest I was any one place before this was elementary school. And, I wasn't very happy about the seven years I had to spend in that place.

Last year, when I thought about an optimal life plan, I wanted to save up, leave work at the end of 2009, travel for a few months, start training for the marathon, and start grad school in September. Studying what, you ask? Who knows. But the plan sounded great. How funny things are when they become reality. Now that I am in this position, I have zero desire to go to school. I'd love to travel, but I don't really see myself going for a very long chunk of time. I am still going to be training, but that's my only constant.

I really like my life. I love living in Brooklyn, my friends, everything. I just want to spend more time at home, cook, write, see good people, and find interesting work to do that makes me happy. I like the idea of a flexible existence, and a transparent one where there is no divide between who I am personally and who I am when I'm working. I want to be an active participant in the creative process whether it be writing, media of some sort, art. I just want to make things and put them out there. I'm done sitting at a desk. I want to move around.

No matter who made the choice, I feel like I am now in control of my destiny.

3 points.

2010-01-11T12:11:00.001-05:00

1. Stop flipping out
2. Always work out
3. Things will work out

2010, I love you.

2010-01-04T11:00:00.003-05:00

I can almost hear the new leaves a-turning through the ice.

Maybe it's the end of the holiday season (finally! thank you thank you thank you), or no longer my birthday month, but whatever it is, even in the "feels like 7 degree" weather we are having today, I am feeling a bit more clarity and kind of clean-slated. I don't care if it's a placebo and all in my head. I don't care. But it feels better today.

It's a new day, a new year, a new decade (according to some).

Or a new dawn, a new day, a new life. Yeah...I have some Nina Simone stuck in this head of mine. Maybe I'm feeling good today.

Keepin' it real.

2009-12-16T21:34:00.003-05:00

I try really hard for this blog to not turn into a venue where I sit around whining about things. So, when I start going into a headspin about crap, I tend not to want to write much here because I feel pathetic and this space is about kicking life in the face, not letting life kick me in the shins.

But, to be real, I seriously can't keep the facade of strength up. Anyone who knows me well is highly aware of this and anyone who just knows the exterior will either guess or shortly find out. I used to think that I was able to hide the weak stuff really well, but, especially when I was younger, it was so obvious. The tough girl act. And, it still is. I try to approach situations in a more genuine way, but the tough girl always comes out when there are difficult emotions that I don't want to express, much less admit to. And, I lash out. Even worse, I lash in.

I've had a number of epiphanies as of late about myself and my interactions with others. It's been tough to come to certain realizations and to watch myself continue on in similar patterns even when I know, I really know, better. It's frustrating that I feel unable to control certain things when I know I can. I've been able to be strict with myself when it comes to training for races, but not when it comes to other parts of my life. At first, the training DID help me be more strict about other things. What's interesting to me is that now I am so used to sort of perpetually training, or at least working out, that it's a normal part of my existence. It's fantastic that being more fit has become more of a lifestyle, but now it's like I need to push harder to force myself into a stricter routine so I can be strict with myself in other ways. I am starting to see why some people may do multiple marathons a year, longer distances, other endurance events...it's a way to try and perpetually stop the head spin. Maybe for some, it's not about the "needing control over something, anything in this crazy life!" thing, but I can see how it could be for many.

So, yeah. I am going to start a true training plan for the Manhattan Half next week...gives me 5 weeks to train up, which is fine. And, maybe it will help me gain control of some other parts of my life. Or, not. But, at least I will feel in control of something, anything. This crazy, crazy life.

A whole year. Again.

2009-12-08T22:05:00.002-05:00

My 30th has certainly been a year.

I started eating meat again. All of it.
I ran 4 half marathons and many other shorter distance races.
I became a regular at the hash.
I dated. A lot. And was disappointed. A lot.
I passed my 4th year at work.
I made many new, wonderful friends.
I cheered for an Iron Man. I met many Iron Men. Some at bars.
I watched great friends get engaged and married.
I realized that oatmeal is the best breakfast.
I hurt my heart several times.
I cried, threw up, fell down.
I paddled myself around in a kayak. Twice.
I went biking on trails. And for many miles.
I drank like a freshman in college.
I experienced some things I had never before.
I was called a cougar. Inappropriately and more than once.

Gosh, 31 is nearly here. So excited to see the maturity that comes with this next age.

Love, love, love

2009-12-06T12:42:00.005-05:00

I nearly forgot. But, today I was reminded.

As I started into the second mile of today's 10k race, the sun was shining, there was a beautiful view of water and manhattan, some trees still had colored leaves, I was surrounded by people, and yet alone. I smiled and let go. There were no expectations left in me for today. I had no idea what would happen. I thought I would be in pain or struggling the entire time, but, instead, I was relaxed and happy. I finally felt like I could think. And, also zone out. It was so calming.

My entire race was negative splits. Starting at about a 10 minute mile pace, by the 6th mile, I was at 8:29. I felt strong. I felt connected to myself for the first time in weeks. I had a PR and got my NYRR pace officially down.

I hadn't run since Thanksgiving morning way back when. Our fun run Turkey Trot. Then I fell on my knee, then worked late and wasn't able to hash Monday. Then I just gave up for the week. I don't think I'll do that again. Between not running, PMS, and a tough work week, I was a strained, insane mess. It calmed a little and self-medicating many nights took the edge off for short periods of time, but my brain was a mess. I had that old neurotic spin taking over. Not a pretty sight.

So, I nearly forgot. But, I was reminded. I love you, running. I know nothing else that can take my excess energy and utilize it in such a positive way. You calm me. You connect me with myself. You ground me, literally.

This is for you.

Injuries

2009-11-29T10:00:00.003-05:00

When you run a lot and know a lot of runners, you hear about a lot of injuries. There are the IT band issues, the shin splints, the stress fractures, the strained ankles, the black toenails...

Knock on something, but besides a bit of chafing, I've not really sustained injuries as a result of running. Problem is, I am a klutz. So, I've injured myself in general and that has affected my running.

Last year, I joined a kickball team with Zog sports for the summer. I was already training for the marathon and thought that it would be another fun, social, fitness-oriented activity. The groups also would always go to a bar after games, so that was part of the appeal. In any case, I was up to some longer mileage when I hurt myself playing kickball. It was the end of our playoff game and I was up to kick. Everything was resting on that moment. I could have helped score the winning point. Instead, the ball came toward me, and I was concentrating so hard that I went to kick the ball and my foot kept rolling over the ball, up in to the air, and I ended up flat on my back, my tailbone hitting the ground first. It was not pretty. I was basically out of commission for the next week or so with lower back pain that shot down my leg. I had recurring pain throughout training. A week before my marathon, I didn't know if I would be able to do it. Thankfully, the injury was still there, but managable, so I made it through the marathon.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a sort of funk. I've been feeling like I maybe am getting sick, and I've been kind of grumpy and tired. I went to Thanksgiving with the family and my friends B & A on Thursday and, along with my brother, we all crashed with my mom and sister after dinner. It was a great time, but I was unable to fully enjoy it, being in my stinky mood.

So, on Friday, after a bus ride back where I napped, I took the subway and by the time I got out, it was freezing outside and I was so tired. I walked to my building. I went inside and contemplated getting my mail, but I decided against it, on a mission to get upstairs and into sweats. I had my keys in one hand and my bag on my shoulder. As I went to go up the stairs, my foot got caught or didn't move fast enough and my entire body lurched forward, spilling me onto the stairs and smashing my left knee into the hard marble. I crouched there for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut and gritting my teeth.

Whenever I'm on the subway or somewhere crowded and someone bumps into my knee or steps on my foot or does anything to my bottom half, the first thing I fear is being injured so I cannot run. And, of course, I do it to myself.

I wasn't sure if the knee was bleeding or broken or what. So, I painfully made my way up the stairs and when I got into my apartment, I checked out the damage. There was a red and light purple line across my knee. Bruising immediately was probably not a great sign, I was thinking. So, I iced and rested for the next few hours. When I was on my way out for the evening, I went to crouch down to scoop the litter box and nearly passed out from the pain of bending my knee.

I bailed on the 9 miles I was supposed to do Saturday morning, which meant that I only ran the hash and the Turkey Trot this past week for a grand total of less than 9 miles. Then there was Thanksgiving and a couple of days of letting loose. So, I am not in tip top shape. I've not run or done anything else major since Thursday morning. And, I have a 10k next Sunday that I might give up on trying to hit as hard as I want to. It's getting better, but there is a huge bruise and this afternoon I decided against running so as not to damage it further. But, I did take a nice walk through the park.

I am just feeling tired. Maybe the grouchiness and the feeling sick and the fall are related. Maybe something is just telling me to chill out a little bit.

Multiple obsessions, Pure Being

2009-11-20T13:43:00.004-05:00

This week has felt like the re-start of my obsessive training. Most of my plans were based around either running or related activity and social plans took a backseat. I much prefer it when I feel this way. There are many other things that a single New York girl could be obsessing over. Personally, I wouldn't know, since I am always focusing on my athleticism (ahem), but, I am sure there are other...cough...things.

OK. In reality, I've been so uber-focused on my social life and dating over the past few(several?) months, that my head has been spinning. It's not that running and training weren't there. They certainly have been. But, the mental and emotional balance has been skewed in that direction. And, those who know me best know that is not the best place for me to be. At all.

At a family function a few years back, I was chatting with a relative about dating. She had some brilliant advice that has stuck with me. I likely don't have it verbatim, but I shall quote it nonetheless: "Men aren't the meal. They are just the dessert. You need to make your own meal."

Ah, so true. And, yet most of the time I am very hungry, look in my fridge, only see condiments, and end up ordering take-out.

So, I am trying to refocus on the races ahead and the "one" in my life right now. Mr. NYC Marathon 2010. I've met my match (for this next year).

This all reminds me of I Heart Huckabees. Though most things in life might lead me back to that movie. Running is my "pure being." When I am focused on it, it helps me to wash away the drama of life and just be. It is inevitable that I will get drawn back in, but I always have it. My "ball thing."

How far we've come.

2009-11-15T01:21:00.003-05:00

Man. Sometimes it just takes a photo. I saw a few photos today...ones that I'd not seen in years. It's such an amazing thing--to try to think back on that time. How did I feel when that photo was taken? My perception now of that photo compared to what my perception was when it was taken is...different. Now I am removed enough that I can start to understand how others used to see me. And, it reminds me of how much has changed.

I know I had a significant weight loss. I mean, I know it from the weight itself and the ability I had to get rid of all my double digit size clothing. But, I've kept a lot of the photos hidden from view. I don't look at them very often because it upsets me. I generally un-tag photos on Facebook if they are shots from when I was heavy and just generally keep them out of sight. But, sometimes I need a reminder of what I've been able to accomplish. I still fear that this is temporary, even though I know it isn't. It makes me feel guilty that I ate the amount I did today. I feel like any little slip up will be the end of me. That I will slide back into heavy-ville and become a sloth.

So, I keep moving. I am so busy all the time that I feel like I am always in motion. Sometimes I feel like I am going so fast that I will trip and fall or just collapse. My constant motion is two-fold. I want to stay active to keep my physical self healthy(ish) and I need to keep moving to distract from the constant circles my thoughts run around themselves. The perpetual motion of my life helps distract a bit as my brain continues its inconclusive spiral.

And, I run. I try to run faster than my thoughts. It doesn't work. I can drown them out at times, but they still come back in. I drink them away after trying to run away. Again, I can temporarily drown them out, but to no permanent avail. And then I'm left with a headache. (Sadly, that just reminded me of an Indigo Girls song).

I just sat here thinking for a few minutes about the photos. They exist. They happened. The past happened, no matter how much I'd like to pretend it didn't at times. But, it's there. I don't want to look at these photos, and yet, maybe it's the best thing for me. I'll keep taking new ones, but I suppose I should embrace the ones from the past as well. Maybe when I finally can, I will actually have been able to change the stuff that is still left over after a weight loss. The inside stuff.

The best love song ever written.

2009-11-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

Patience

2009-10-09T14:59:00.001-04:00

Patience is the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.

Yeah.

All clear

2009-10-01T08:34:00.006-04:00

Yesterday morning I decided I had to run.

Sometimes my head gets so clogged with things and I need to either escape it or work it out. I try to remember back to when I never used to do any exercise and wonder how I was able to survive. I suppose I did, but in a much less sane fashion...scary if we consider my life sane at all now. I also try not to hide from my emotions anymore. Instead of running away, I just run.

So, yesterday morning I knew. I didn't need to go for a jog; I needed a long run. There is something different that happens when I run long. It's not the same as a half hour sweat. Running for 2 hours changes me. I start as an anxious, neurotic freak and end much more mellow. It's almost the same effect as driving alone in a car and just screaming, except it takes longer and lasts longer. Strange. I just thought about how that used to be a way to let off steam...just screaming. Running takes away that need.

I'm a lucky person that I now know a lot of people who run and do lots of exercise. When I need or want a partner, I can usually find one. So, at 9am, I texted my new friend The Beast who needed no convincing to hit the road for 10 miles in the evening. It was a chilly night and a great one for a run. We started with Coach K in the park for a loop, then continued out and around the cemetery and then around the park exterior to change it up and complete 10 miles. It was a good night. A great run. And my head...clearer. Thanks, guys.

Who needs a training plan?

2009-09-20T13:14:00.007-04:00

So, Thursday night, Coach K and I hit up our new watering hole, which just opened this week (and might be the best place ever, especially since it's so close). We met a couple of Ironmen...one K actually knew from the hood, and the other is his friend and also a neighbor. Well, after a few beers, I somehow found myself roped into running the Queens Half marathon. I agreed to a 5:30am ride and gave over $20 for registration along with all my contact info. I attempted to bail out the next day since I've been coughing and had a slight wheeze in my chest...to no avail. My new friend wasn't taking "no" for an answer.

So, I sucked it up and did it. And I PR'd with a 2:11:30, even with a pit stop that took a while (note to self: must eat better the night before). Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was running with someone new, maybe it was the fact that there was no pressure. Whatever it was, it was great.

I didn't train specifically for this, but I've been half-marathon ready all summer as I was training for Brooklyn, then NYC, then Reach the Beach for this weekend, which didn't happen. I am signed up for the Staten Island Half for October 11. But, even so, the fact that I was able to just make a decision last minute and do it is still hard for me to reconcile.

I've never agreed to anything of this nature while drinking at a bar. You know...people say drinking isn't very good for you. I respectfully disagree.

Cheers.

Social Networks, health, and happiness

2009-09-14T14:09:00.004-04:00

I just read this great article in the New York Times about health trends throughout social networks. It's a really interesting look at how who you spend your time with and know in your life really makes a profound difference in your overall health--and you can really affect those around you. I generally feel happy and exceedingly lucky to have a network of people which contains so many wonderful people. And, now, even moreso.

Is Happiness Catching?

Photo care of the New York Times.

You're fat.

2009-09-03T10:42:00.008-04:00

So, I'm kind of starting to obsessively take photos of fat people, primarily on the subway. I find it so curious that people this large can fit in this city. I'm not talking chubby people...I'm talking big. How do they stay that big here with all the walking and the stairs? Have they just moved here? I just find it unbelievable that someone can maintain that much mass with all of this movement.

Maybe this new ad campaign will help.

Or, maybe they're all just exercising too much.

F Train. 9/2/09.

F Train. 9/3/09.

Spinning away

2009-08-23T17:53:00.004-04:00

After two later-than-3am nights in a row, it was time today to sweat it all out. I went to the gym last night for a little elliptical, but needed more. Today, the weather decided to cooperate. It wasn't as humid and the sunshine was serene. So, Coach K. and I took the bikes out. We did a loop of the park and then went to DUMBO where we caught the ferry to Governor's Island. What a lovely little Saturday. On the way back, we biked through Red Hook, which is so cute! I can't believe I've never gone there. I love Brooklyn and I love having a bike.

Waiting for the ferry on Governor's Island:

The view from Red Hook:

It's a major award!

2009-08-18T08:42:00.014-04:00

Well, no. Not that.

But, the NYC Half Marathon this Sunday did provide me with a trusty new medal! It's funny. When I ran the Nike Women's Marathon last year, they gave out Tiffany necklaces. These were wonderful and you can actually wear them in every day life. But, it wasn't a MEDAL. I mean, there is definitely something to be said to getting a medal around your neck. I know, I know. 10,000 of us got them, so it's not like I won anything. But, it still makes you feel accomplished.

The NYC Half: it was a hot day. A hot and humid day. We started in Central Park at 7am...by the time 9am rolled around, I was running down the West Side Highway, the sun blazing down on me, the humidity making breathing interesting. I stopped at every water stop along the way to ensure I didn't get completely dehydrated. As I made the turn from 42nd street onto the West Side Highway, I knew I was starting to hallucinate a little...I saw someone in the crowd and thought it was a person I went to high school with, but it was like a human mirage.

I should have won an actual medal for making it to every bar on the pub crawl. Though, there was much drinking of water along the way.

Enjoying a Guinness at around bar 6?

I broke my time from the Brooklyn Half, but didn't hit the 2:10 mark as I wanted to. Looks like I'm going to have to sign up for the Staten Island Half in October and kick its ass a bit.

On another note, I am planning on signing up for swimming lessons this fall at the Y. It's time to nip that little fear in the bud. Time to spend more money (lessons, swimsuit, swimcap, goggles...).

Tapering. Doubts.

2009-08-11T22:00:00.003-04:00

Well, now. It's been a while since I've written. So many things have happened in the past few weeks, I am not sure where I'd even begin. So, I'll just stick to the basics.

NYC Half Marathon is this upcoming Sunday at 7am. I did my last long run (12.2 miles) the Saturday before last. Right now, I logically know that I will be getting my bib and prepping with hydration and carb intake and extra sleep this week. I logically know that I will run this race. But, I don't believe that I will be able to. It's a strange struggle. I know my body is capable of it, and part of me is excited. Part of me is dreading it. And part of me is just calm about the whole thing. I am going to try and keep with that calm part. Just do what I know I have to do. Sleep more. Drink a lot of water. Get my carbo load on this Saturday. And, I will do it.

Last night, I went to a hash in 95 degree, humid weather. I ran for part of it, but my body just conked out a couple of miles in and I walked most of the 5 miles. I think partially it was because I didn't eat enough during the day to prep for that sort of run in that sort of heat (note to self: do not attempt to cut calories on a day I am planning to run 5 miles in 95 degrees). I think I am also in the taper mindset and don't want to push too hard, especially since I pushed harder than I thought I would on Saturday during the 5 mile team races. I basically ran my tempo speed...actually faster than that...the whole race. Tempo should be about :30 faster than my half marathon goal pace which is a nice and even 10 minute mile. I ran 9:22 average miles on Saturday's race. And felt like I was going to puke as I was nearing the end. I think this also had to do with heat and dehydration.

In any case, the pukey 5 miler and then the walking through the hot hash last night...neither of these circumstances contribute to the most positive mindset about the half on Sunday. But, then again, it is supposed to be cooler out, and it starts at 7am, which should help. We shall see. With my surprising 2:16:00 time in the Brooklyn Half, my goal is 2:10:00 for this one. But, I am going to try and not beat myself up if the PR doesn't happen, especially if it's quite warm or humid or both on Sunday. I will try to focus on staying hydrated and enjoying the race (and feeling like I deserve the brunch and pub crawl that will follow). Beer is always a nice temptation for after a race. Especially since the couple of beers I had last night will be the last until then.

So, I shall stay calm. I shall do what I need to do. And, it will all work. I promise.

Hard to rest

2009-07-23T09:14:00.010-04:00

I've not done much exercise the past couple of days and it drives me crazy. This past Saturday, I ran my 11 miles, then rode another 11 on my bike (which was awesome!).

Chillin' mid bike ride by the Verrazano:

I took a break Sunday, hashed 5.5 miles Monday. Tuesday was off, yesterday I walked home to Brooklyn, which is about 5 miles total, but it is definitely not the same as going to the gym, doing yoga, or running. I'm getting to this place where if I don't have some sort of real cardio for 2 days in a row, I really don't feel all that well. I start getting tired, a bit depressed, and feel like I am totally off track and am failing at training.

It's kind of similar when it comes to socializing and plans...I am always so busy and yet I feel like I don't do enough. Nothing is ever enough.

I am leaving tonight to head upstate to Lake Placid, vacation in a lodge with my Coach K and cheer on the Iron Man on Sunday. Should be a nice, but active, break from life. Lots of biking and boating and eating and drinking...and I have to get my 12 miles in somewhere. I am really looking forward to it.

Some Placid pics from where we're staying:

ENFP

2009-07-21T20:24:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about personality types recently. It's come up in conversation about introversion versus extroversion and what that means in terms of interacting with others, needs for alone time, socializing, etc. I took the personality test...2 different ones, just to be sure. And, I came up with ENFP. Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving. I know I've taken these tests in the past, and I'm quite sure that nothing has changed from when I was younger.

Here is a good test which will determine your personality type.

I am a little taken aback by how accurate the portrayal of my personality type is for me. It's one of those times when you think you're SO original, but, in reality, someone has you all figured out.

This site is kind of old and clunky and hard to navigate, but it's also pretty awesome in its explanations.
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html

It's a little bit like reading my horoscope (which, admittedly, I do on a daily basis), except this is actually accurate.

Indulging

2009-07-16T22:19:00.004-04:00

Hi! Oh, how are you?

Sorry, but I'm a bit busy right now eating peanut butter and drinking vanilla soy milk. Yup. Yes, yes, I did have an entire dinner. A full plate of chicken kebab and hummus and salad. Mmhmm...it was delicious, now that you ask. Why am I eating again now? Well, it's kind of like a dessert. You know, some heavy pumpernickel bread and organic peanut butter and vanilla soymilk dessert. What? Why, yes I did have a bit of that pistachio ice cream. Well, I suppose it is a bit like dessert. So, yes, if you say it that way, maybe this is a second dessert. No, I will not. I enjoy complaining that I don't lose weight. Yes, yes I do drink most evenings. No, not just one. Well, I suppose between that and the snacking it might keep me from being one of those "thin" people. Well, you know what? In reality I don't really care. The muscles in my legs are rock solid. Are yours? Oh...I'm just talking to myself? Well, fine then. Yes, your muscles are very nice as well.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be going back to my peanut butter and soy milk now. Yes. You have a good night as well.

Letting Go

2009-07-12T09:12:00.011-04:00

When I first moved back to New York 4 years ago, I didn't have much of anything, initially. Since I had evacuated unexpectedly from New Orleans during Katrina, I left my entire apartment and car, shared a ride with a coworker, and brought one bag that had shorts, tanks and flip flops along with some toiletries. We didn't think that going to Houston that weekend would result in not going back to New Orleans for some time (6 weeks in my case). From Houston I flew to New York and stayed with my mother for the month of September until it was time to move into my apartment in Astoria. By then I had purchased some more clothing so I could at least have appropriate things to interview in, and I bought an large room's worth of furniture from IKEA. The move to Astoria was a snap. It was a pile of IKEA boxes and a couple of bags. I felt like I was missing things, but I also felt so good to not have that much around me.

6 weeks after I left, I went back to New Orleans. It was mid-October. I went back to the small apartment I was living in temporarily, fit as much as I could in the Honda Civic, and drove it back to New York. So, add to the IKEA furniture and a couple of bags one carload of stuff. It still was less that I was used to, but felt good that I was down to basics.

Roll back a year. I was moving to New Orleans with my ex. I had been living in Astoria sharing an aparment with my best friend for nearly two years and had a lot of stuff. There was stuff in Astoria, there was stuff at my mom's from childhood, college, and past apartments. So, I had a big garage sale at mom's and got rid of a ton of things. I am still a little sad about a certain large stuffed bear named Bo and my first guitar with action high enough to make even an accomplished guitarist's fingers bleed. But, I did it. It was a huge purge...probably the biggest in my life. I got rid of enough so that I could leave some things at mom's, leave some things in Astoria, and jointly pack a car with my ex with everything we were going to need.

Once we moved down, we bought/found all of our furniture and household stuff. It was a fun process...many garage sales and thrift stores brought some interesting finds. We filled a huge 1 bedroom apartment with a large kitchen, huge living room, and enormous office. By the time we broke up and I decided to move back to New York the following summer, it was a ton of stuff to deal with. I spent the bulk of that July selling items on craigslist and packing. Purging again. I moved into a smaller apartment by myself in August to finish up my time at work before moving. I had an apartment ready in Astoria for October. Then Katrina hit at the end of August and I spent a homeless month at my mother's.

After a year back in Astoria, I moved to Brooklyn to my current studio. I had definitely accumulated more stuff that year, but between the furniture and stuff, it was a perfect amount for my new place. I even had room to get a small kitchen table to add to the IKEA collection.

Nearly 3 years later, I am swimming in stuff. I have no idea where it has all come from. Yesterday I started a huge purge. I ended the day dropping off 5 enormous bags full of clothing, shoes and bags in a bin. There is a pair of shoes that was sitting at the top of a bag that I still am unsure if I should have kept. I have purgers guilt. But, this purging is good. I know it is. I don't know why I have the tendency to hold on to so much. There is something liberating about letting go of things. I look around now and still see so much clutter and things that are just unnecessary.

I've known those in life who don't keep anything. Even if it's something sentimental, they can easily rid themselves of it. I don't have that tendency. I hold on. I think there is a lot that I need to let go of, generally. It might be stuff...it might be stuff in my head. But, it all needs to be released. I am a firm believer in thoughts being almost fully responsible for feelings. I also believe that, no matter how strange it feels, if you act happy...smile...you can actually make yourself feel happy. So, maybe the act of letting go, even if it is just of some stuff, can help me let go of other things.

Clutter.

8.8 on 7.4

2009-07-04T09:24:00.005-04:00

This general route is becoming my favorite run. I love the stillness and industrial area going around the cemetary and then ending in Prospect Park. Ending with all the other people helps keep the stamina up...also it has a lot of shade which is lovely.

Today was just beautiful and perfect. My hip keeps acting up after 4-5 miles and I keep icing it. Hopefully it will ease as I do more strength training and stretching during the week. I am a little concerned and was just told it's probably not a good idea to need hip replacement surgery prior to the half marathon. I concur (but will keep running).

A hot bag of nerves

2009-07-01T18:59:00.007-04:00

It's been over a year since the first time I did Bikram. I am committed to doing a class this evening with my friend Jax, a Bikram instructor, and am totally nervous about it. I felt excellent after that first/last class I took, but I also remember how hard it was and how nauseous I felt during parts of it. I am also a bit nervous to be in Brooklyn surrounded by Bikram experts in their little shorts and sports bras with their solid little bodies. No matter how much I run and work out, I also eat. A lot. And I drink. A lot. I'll be sporting some running shorts and a tank because, "nobody needs to see that."

I've been drinking water all day and even had a pedicure. I am hoping she'll go easy on me. But, also hope that I love it. Would be great for cross training and building up my nonexistent core.

Pic from Bikram Yoga Park Slope

Training. For realz, this time.

2009-06-29T12:19:00.003-04:00

So, I trained and finished the Brooklyn Half Marathon, but am REALLY going to train for the NYC Half. I did better than I thought I would for Brooklyn, and now I have a higher standard for what I want to accomplish at NYC. I don't have a number in mind just yet, but I am going to attempt to train properly with hills and speed workouts and core training and see where it all takes me. My lovely personal Coach K helped me plan out a schedule for the next 7 weeks yesterday, which was kind of daunting. But, then I was able to somehow motivate and go for my 7.6 miler yesterday evening, so I feel like I'm off to a good start. I'm only planning to train to 12 miles, but really work on speed and strength during the week. This also means I have to lay off the drinking a bit. Can't be doing hill repeats in the summer heat with a hangover. Well, I suppose I COULD, but I would also be doing other things, such as vomiting and cursing myself and whoever convinced me to have that last drink.

Planning to cross train with Bikram Yoga this Wednesday. My body could use that big stretch and my core (I have a core?) could certainly use the strength training. And, I can always use a sweat.

Balmy.

2009-06-23T13:52:00.000-04:00

I start with my hips--the direct area where the pain is. As soon as I finish there, I start on the knees--they've been feeling a bit wobbly and creaky lately. Then it's the top of my feet and my inner ankles--they can always use some help. End with my lower back which is sore whenever it pleases. And I wait. The buzzing starts at the first point of contact, then the second, and third. By the time my lower back kicks in, I am laying on the couch with a content smile, feeling like I being massaged by many little electrical currents.

I love Tiger Balm.

So, I run.

2009-06-21T16:41:00.001-04:00

It didn't start out all that promising today. I awoke to rain outside. I slept some more. Awoke again around 9am. It was cold and windy. So, I made some oatmeal, read some of a book, and decided I'd try to head to the gym for a 10:30 class. Or maybe an 11:30 yoga class. Time passed and I went back to bed for a couple of hours. When I awoke again, there was sunshine and a breeze outside my window. Some more time passed and I decided that running was probably the best idea for me today. I thought about asking someone to run with me, but was nervous that my motivation might waver if there was no/a negative response. So, I mapped a run, ate a Gu promising myself that I had to do the entire run if I had it, put my Shuffle on, and ran. I did the whole run that I mapped out, and even with a couple of stops for lights, water, and walking a tiny bit, I still came in at 60 minutes for 6.1 miles.

It's Father's Day. I am happy that this year it doesn't land on my sister's birthday and happy that today is also first day of Summer. It makes it a little easier. It's a strange thing. No matter how much time passes, I still am very saddened on this day. I think about my father and what our relationship would be like at this point in my life. I think about what he would think about what I'm doing with my life. I think of him coming to visit me in Brooklyn and having fun exploring where our family came from. I definitely feel a void and feel that those who have their dad around to share things with are so lucky. No matter the issues we might have, I think that generally, my life might be a bit richer if I had him around. At my friend's wedding a few weeks ago, seeing her parent's together and her father walk her down the aisle...it's so wonderful to see, but also difficult.

This is not something that I like to harp on or overanalyze. It is certainly not something that I regularly complain about or want people to feel bad about. I think that everything that happens in our lives affects us and things, mostly, work out as they should. But, we are all flawed and fucked up and that is what makes us unique. If things weren't hard, then they'd be boring.

So, I run.

Who needs moderation?

2009-06-16T23:55:00.003-04:00

The amount of food I consumed this weekend was kind of unbelievable. I am not quite sure where I was able to put it all. Then, today, I weighed myself at the gym and was 2 pounds lighter than last week. Seriously?

Runner's Guilt

2009-06-07T22:27:00.005-04:00

So, I didn't run any races today. Actually, today I didn't run at all. Had a pretty late night last night, had some eggs at the diner, spent the day at the beach, and came back to scarf down an enormous burger and some graham cracker-less smores (meaning melted marshmallows and Hershey's chocolate). And, I feel guilty.

Yes, I ate a lot and didn't do any exercise, but should that make me feel bad when it was one day? When I was walking to the diner to get my very needed eggs this morning, there were people with race numbers jogging over to Prospect Park for the 5k. I checked Facebook to see a few mentions from those who were running the Mini 10k in Central Park. And, I felt lazy and fat. I sat eating my diner food feeling like I didn't really deserve it. I ran less than 10 miles this past week. I know I am supposedly in "recovery" from the Half, though I don't really feel that way since I felt pretty strong after it and my quads were only sore for a couple of days. I worked out 4 days this week, which is less than usual and is only adding to my guilt. Though, I did read Runner's World on the beach today.

I am happy that I put so much weight (ha) on being healthy these days. It's a far cry from how I used to be. I ran yesterday and I know I'll run tomorrow.

On another note, I finally got my bike tuned up a bit, bought a lock, and rode it a bit yesterday with a borrowed helmet. I will be purchasing a new one soon and will be taking the bike for a spin this weekend...get used to it. I am also possibly considering commuting with it, but that really depends on how comfortable I feel. Hooray! Another expensive fitness hobby! Now, we have gym, running, yoga, and bike. I really do live in Brooklyn.

Time after time. BK Half.

2009-06-03T10:05:00.016-04:00

I am such a nerd. This is why I'm so excited: I purchased a new watch!

I can't even tell you how cool it is to have an actual running watch that functions properly and can calculate my splits. It was so awesome to have this for the Brooklyn Half last Saturday. Usually I am attempting to calculate how long each mile was by remembering the time from the mile markers and subtracting in my head. This might work OK at the beginning of a race, but as the miles continue on, my brain becomes a big pile of mush and I can't seem to remember what time it said at the previous marker, I can't seem to read the current marker, and I can't calculate anything for the life of me. To that mushy end, I have a vivid recollection of running with Erin during Summer Streets last year--it was our first half marathon distance in our training. This wasn't a race, so we were just calculating mileage ourselves. And, I kept messing up trying to calculate how many miles we were going by how many blocks we were passing. For about 10 minutes I could not for the life of me get it straight. It was frustrating as hell in my own head, and I know Erin was like "shut up shut up SHUT UP!" (Even though she was much nicer out loud, with an "ok, you have to stop.")

Anyway, yeah. So, now I have a real watch with real functions and I was able to keep track of our pace the whole time. Which, by the way, was way faster than I thought it would be. My benchmark of 2:16:17 is much better than I had hoped for, but now will push me to PR a bit more hardcore at the NYC Half in August. I almost wish I was a little slower since I know August will be HOT. But, I think I will aim high (well, lower in time) and see what happens in the next few months. Anyway, this half would have probably been a bit faster without the pee break and the atrocious water stops where we had to truly fend for ourselves. Seriously, NYRR? There were a couple where we actually walked behind the tables and scooped our own water, and one where I literally reached across the table, pulled up the garbage pail, and held it up while a few of us dipped our cups in. A woman who was sharing in my un-human-like arm strength moment thanked me and told me it was my good deed for the day. I lightly jogged on and put the sweet victory to my lips, and as I took my first sip, I got water right up my nose. What kind of karma is that?

I love that this has the Wonderwheel in the background!

Ahh. Sweet, sweet success.

National Running Day!

2009-06-02T23:41:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is National Running Day! I don't know exactly why, but I'll take it. Gonna wear the running shoes all day and hit the pavement after work for a hash. Run if you got em. (Legs, that is)

Eeek! BK Half. Countdown.

2009-05-29T10:34:00.008-04:00

Racing 13.1 miles is more intimidating than a long run of the same amount. I've been running faster, but our last 12 mile long run certainly left my joints a bit wobbly. And this tapering business? What a way to mentally prepare prior to a big race. It's such a weird thing for my brain--this mandatory resting. It makes me feel like I'm not ready, even though I know I am.

Getting nervous, but also I am so looking forward to this. I just love that this starts on home turf! No subway ride to Central Park at 6am! Just gonna run on over. It's gonna be fine, right? Just a couple of loops in the park, then a lovely jaunt down Ocean to the boardwalk. No sweat. (right)

Butterflies. Deep breaths. Smile.

Out There

2009-05-19T22:42:00.000-04:00

I refuse to let this turn into a Sex and the City/Carrie Bradshaw-voiced blog since this is about being awesome and not whining about being a single 30something girl dating in NYC (which is hell, by the way), but I had to share this article I found in Self Magazine. I was literally sitting on a bus with gals on our way down to Atlantic City for a bachelorette party (not a common occurence, thank you very much), when I came across this article. Being the only single one in the group, this kind of hit me and made me feel a bit better. Actually, it didn't make me just feel better, it made me feel fabulous.

Click it

To the Charlotte in my head: Shut up.

Shh.

P.R.

2009-05-18T18:37:00.005-04:00

Um, yeah I did. Line 1 is the 10k from Sunday 5/16. Line 2 is the 10k from 4/11. A little over a month and 3 minutes faster. Practice actually works, and I am not seeking perfection.

Pre-race checklist

2009-05-15T17:32:00.004-04:00

So.....I'm kind of a list-making fanatic. Nope, not Type A at all. I don't relate to anything in the Wikipedia entry. I haven't been called it...ever....or twice last week. Nope.

Anyway, I found this little list generator on marathoning.org. Kinda LOVE it.

That's my Girl!

2009-05-14T11:56:00.006-04:00

Erin, aka Lady Southpaw has been featured on Races in Places talking about her music and running. She even made reference to me!! My running buddy is a rock star. Just sayin'.

Me and Erin running the Nike Women's Marathon last October

10 miles on a Monday

2009-05-12T00:28:00.006-04:00

Why not? With the lovely planning skills of Coach K, three of us were off on a run that took us through the slope, down to the promenade, across the Brooklyn Bridge, across town, and up the West Side Highway. Not too shabby for a school night.

Though that Gu at 8:30 probably isn't helping me get to bed...

...the shepherd's pie and the beer certainly will. Yummers.

Life certainly is...yawn...

April showers? Crap...it's May already.

2009-05-05T11:14:00.003-04:00

This makes me feel better...

Train train traaain

2009-04-29T23:26:00.003-04:00

It's addictive. These races. These long runs. Every day I wake up and want to run. I am sitting here at night tired, ready for bed, after having some wine, thinking it would be nice to throw those sneakers on again for a short run now. Maybe I'll set my alarm and wake up really early to get a run in tomorrow morning. I think about it a lot. I feel the muscles in my legs becoming stronger. No other exercise makes me sweat or feel as accomplished.

10 miles on Sunday was awesome. I am looking forward to more training and kicking this Brooklyn half in the face.

Train train traaain. Train of fools.

Oh my god. I love YouTube.

Summer in the city?

2009-04-28T21:56:00.001-04:00

I actually owned this video back in the day.

Vitamin D

2009-04-25T23:53:00.003-04:00

It's like everyone has been in hibernation for months and then the first few days of warm, the crazies come out. This weather...this sunshine...it seeps into my brain and my body and makes me jumpy and excited and inspired. It makes me want to do and go and be. This is the first warm night and I know I have to go to bed to wake up and run 10 miles, but my brain is going and I don't want to go to sleep. I want to stay up and be in a backyard somewhere chatting about life with friends.

Instead, I am off to sleep off the Vitamin D from today and ready myself to absorb more tomorrow. And run 10 miles. Piece of cake, right?

Sunshine Day!

2009-04-24T18:12:00.004-04:00

This is what I'm talkin' about.

Gotta find some shorts to get down and dirty with tomorrow for Hands On NY Day. I will help clean Prospect Park and then I will go lay in it for the remainder of the day. Not a terrible plan, I'm thinking...

BK Half! Coney Island, here we come

2009-04-21T23:55:00.010-04:00

It is official. I am training for the Brooklyn Half Marathon. I've been planning on running this race for months, but just signed up last week, so now it is the real deal. I've also already completed 5 qualifiers out of 9 for the NYC 2010 marathon, which is really exciting. And, I just found out today that the BK Half is going the opposite direction...while it used to start out at Coney Island and end at Prospect Park, it now starts at Prospect Park and ends at Coney.

So, I'll just basically have to roll out of bed and head over. Works for me. Also, it will be May 30...and hopefully a beautiful day for Coney Island -- my most favorite-ist place in New York.

Some memorable Coney moments from the past few years:

Riding the Wonderwheel

Candied Apples

Mermaid parade

Flying kites

Nathan's famous

A little cotton candy...

Circadian Rhythm

2009-04-07T14:59:00.008-04:00

For a while, my younger friend has taken to asking me things like "why the hell are you texting me so early on a weekend?" when his response comes through at 3pm and I have been up for at least 8 hours more.

I remember that - sleeping late on weekends and being unable to wake up during the week, whether it was for class or work. I've always had to trick my brain with alarms and clocks set many minutes ahead.

Lately, I've not needed my alarm clock, at least if I am on my routine schedule. I was still using it or my phone as kind of a reminder that would go off before I needed to get up, but I would end up snoozing it for so long that I'd fall back asleep and then naturally wake up when I had to...around 7am. It doesn't seem to matter much when I go to bed, either. It does matter if I've had a bit to drink, but that's another story.

The age divide

2009-03-19T09:16:00.011-04:00

I'm starting to get to a point where when I hear someone is "right out of college" I find it amazing that they can even tie their shoes properly, much less write in full sentences, mix my drinks, and play music that I like. I found out recently that a band I like to listen to has a lead singer that was born in 1988. I've been listening to them for about 3 years...that calculation is kind of unreal to me.

I am beginning to understand now the perception that adults had of me and my friends when we were teens. We really thought we knew everything and had no idea why people treated us like we didn't. When I see kids on the subway with their platforms and old-school punk, I think, "aw! that's so cute." I am quite sure that isn't what they're going for.

I do wonder what will happen as I get even older. By the time I make it to having kids, and those kids grow into teenagers, I will be so far removed from that age myself, how could I even begin to relate to them? I had a deal with Amy a number of years ago that I would have kids, raise them until about the age of 12, and then pass them to her for the teen years so I didn't have to go through them hating me and rebelling. This is obviously just a fantastical option (almost as fantastical as me actually contemplating birthing other humans at the moment).

So, the real question is: what do we do? How do we try to maintain a connection with our own youth? How do we stay in the loop about the styles, music, and other crap that kids like so we aren't aliens for the next generations? Is it just inevitable that we will all be detached from our own children in many ways? I really do hope I can relate enough to affect them positively and be seen as maybe, sorta, kinda cool instead of uber lame. (Though I'm sure the word "lame" will be replaced by something by the time my kids call me it)

What would Angela think?

Though I always felt more of a kinship with Daria.

But, my all time favorite was Darlene. Check out David's hair. What a heartthrob.

Don't be embarrassed...

2009-03-17T16:02:00.006-04:00

This article in Runner's World made me chuckle a number of times. And made me feel better. Becoming a runner certainly has made me less embarrassed about a lot of things.

Read it: Don't Be Embarrassed!

I choose to run

2009-03-13T09:56:00.006-04:00

Great little OpEd piece in the Times. Great.
Check it: Dry Run.

A multi-stanza Haiku for my love, Gym

2009-03-11T15:19:00.003-04:00

I walk in the door
The lesbian girl is there
Scans my card; says hi

The spin class spinning
I change clothes; lock my locker
My earphones in ears

Starting the treadmill
I find the perfect music
And I am running

I get into it
I run and mouth the lyrics
I'm starting to sweat

My legs are burning
I find it harder to breathe
My brain stops working

The seconds tick by
I'm pushing it harder, still
Until I let go

I stretch on the mat
Drink some water and relax
Maybe some crunches

I'm checking the scale
I'm finally losing weight
Smiling, I shower

I'm leaving you, Gym
The lesbian girl waves bye
I walk out the door

New Shoes!

2009-03-06T11:51:00.004-05:00

I am so overdue for new running shoes. I haven't wanted to spend the cash, but know it is important for my feet and overall running health. Luckily, I found them online for $20 less than they usually are, so now they are mine! So excited to test em out. They are the same exact style and size - Saucony Progrid Guide size 9.5 - as what I've been wearing, but now they are a funky new color combo.

I love Amazon.

Overcoming obstacles

2009-03-01T22:45:00.005-05:00

Follow the breadcrumbs.

I love that. Following the path that might be predetermined or not, but the path that seems right. There are those little signs along the way that help you know what is the right choice. There are other signs that might tell you when you are going in the wrong direction.

It's always been a struggle for me to determine whether to back off or forge forward when there are many things getting in the way of a particular outcome. I decided a while back that if an outcome wasn't that important, then the deterrents should be listened to. If the outcome was something I really wanted or needed, then they should be seen more as obstacles which I need to overcome.

Still, it is not always easy.

This is completely lame, but yesterday I had the most traumatic and painful eyebrow waxing experience of my life. It left me red and raw and by yesterday evening, my eyelids had obviously had some sort of allergic reaction and had swollen up so badly I looked like a boxer. Nothing topical was working anymore, so I went to sleep at 10 with ice on my eyes and hoped for the best. I woke up several times throughout the night in pain and at about 5am, went to get another cold compress. My eyes were still so swollen I couldn't fully open them. I was laying there with the compress on my eyes unable to decide whether to stay in bed and not get up for my race this morning. I decided that, swollen eyes or not, sleep disturbed or not, stomach feeling heavy from new gluten-free bread or not, I was running the race.

At 6:30, I was up for good to get ready. I called mom who recommended Benadryl after the run and then called Erin who said she'd bring some. So, I was off with my swollen eyes in my rainboots trekking through the freezing cold in light snow to the train. When I reached the station, the signs said the trains were skipping my stop heading toward Manhattan, so I had to wait for a train to go the opposite direction and then transfer to one going the proper way. Since I had left the house at 7am for a 9am race and had to go from Park Slope, Brooklyn up to West 173rd street in Manhattan, I was not sure that skipping trains would get me there on time.

There I was, bundled up with a big backpack, rainboots, my hat and glasses barely covering my red, swollen eyes, standing at the Church Avenue station eating gluten-free bread and peanut butter from foil at 7:20am ("can't eat after an hour and a half before a race!" a coach was screaming in my head). I tried to make peace with the possibility that I would be too late to leave my bags at the apartment I was supposed to. I tried to make peace with maybe not even making it there for the race. It was out of my control at that point, so I just tried to let go.

I waited nearly an hour just to get a few stops in Brooklyn, but was lucky to catch the next train quickly, so I got up there a little later than I wanted to. I nearly missed the people I was supposed to meet to drop off bags, but just nearly. I ran up to the apartment, ripped off my layers, changed my shoes, hit the toilet, and Erin and I went downstairs where the start of the race was a block away. I let Erin look at my eyes if she promised not to react, which she did like a seasoned nurse. But, I knew they looked bad. They felt bad. We had our Gu and some water, stood in the corral, and without any warm-up, were off.

I had that same feeling when we were standing, then walking, and when we started jogging. I even said it. "Oh my god. Are we really going to run today?" But, it turned out to be great. It was very hilly, and we went around the cloisters (which I had no clue about since I was so concentrated on running I totally missed it). It was an out and back, so while we were still on our first mile we saw all the front runners coming back. That sounds like it would be kind of depressing to see people finishing when you have hardly even started, but it was actually really cool to see. It isn't that often that you get to see those folks while you are racing yourself.

So, even with being exhausted, not feeling like I ate properly, being freezing, running in the snow with swollen eyes and no warmup, I PR'd. I broke 29 minutes for the first time and came in at 28:57. That's about :30 faster than last week's 5k.

I feel like today was real proof that I am serious about this. That this is is not temporary. It is worth the pain, the waking up at crazy hours, the long commutes on terrible weekend train schedules. It's worth it even when I'm in pain and can't fully open my eyes.

I'm off to ice my eyes. In a few months, it will be my legs once again.

OH! Bama.

2009-02-25T19:09:00.004-05:00

Sigh.

And, by the way, how fabulous is this?

Starting to PR

2009-02-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

Now that I have a few races under my belt, I am starting to have benchmarks to beat. Last year, when I was just beginning to run and I was training for the marathon, I wasn't racing for anything but to get through the race. I could really care less how fast I ran. It was just amazing to me that I could run at all.

Now, I know I can run. Though, seriously, every single time I begin to run I think I won't be able to continue running for any distance, wonder why I'm running at all since it's not fun, and wonder what's wrong with me. This all eases as the miles pass. I become more confident and enjoy it more. Though, during the run, there are tough points and easy points. Sometimes I feel like I can run for hours and other times I feel like I want to stop and lay down in the middle of the road. It's a really interesting mental and physical challenge. This might not come as any sort of surprise to anyone who has been athletic throughout their lives, but this is a whole new world for me. I have always shied away from things that are difficult, in general, and never ever pushed myself physically. I remember having to run around the track at high school to make up gym classes and running made me want to die. I was in so much pain in my lungs, my body. I was so bored. Ugh. It was absolutely awful.

Now I am spending lots of time at the gym and running. These days, I'm not just running; I am racing and training. Racing for fun and to qualify for the 2010 NYC Marathon and training for the Brooklyn Half Marathon in May.

Saturday was my 2nd qualifying race for 2010. I was so happy because it was a 5k, in Prospect Park near my place, and at 9am. All of these traits made it a very appealing, very nice race to do. I could get a lot of sleep and not be anxious that I wouldn't wake up in time to make it. It was just nice and easy. Erin and I were able to jog from my apartment over to the start, which was a huge help I think during the race. As was the Gu I consumed directly before we started.

Running is hard. At first I forget. I start jogging gently and I'm like "Awesome! This is great! It's so nice to jog with all these people! Hooray!" until a couple of minutes in when I start thinking "Hm. This is hard. How long is this? How fast do I have to go? What would happen if I stopped? I don't really have to do this, right? God, these people are all so much better than me." which leads into "I can't breathe very well. My legs hurt. Is that my shin/knee/side/back? Am I injuring myself? Maybe this is a terrible idea." And on and on. It cycles through ideas such as these and then there are meditative times where all I am doing is running. I might start chatting with Erin or someone and even forget I am running for a moment.

And, then I know the end is near. I can feel it. There are people cheering. I got a great push on Saturday at the end from a couple of people I knew yelling my name. And, then it's over. And, I've completed a Personal Record. My 5k came in at 29:22 giving me an average of 9:28/mile which is about 45 seconds faster than my average from my last race and faster than I usually run.

As a test, I tried to beat it on the treadmill yesterday. I came in at 29:24.

Erin and me just before the race

At the finish.

Happiness?

2009-02-20T15:04:00.006-05:00

Everyone just wants to be "happy," right?

I don't believe in ultimate happiness. I believe in fleeting moments of brilliance.

I've felt over the years that I've had a very hard time predicting my reaction to situations. Sure, sure. I could think that something would make me feel a specific way, but found time and again that I was disappointed or just plain wrong about my ability to cope or the way that I really would feel when something actually happened. I couldn't accurately predict crap. It started making me feel like I really didn't know myself very well at all.

Turns out, just knowing that my actual reaction is unknown until it exists makes me more self-aware than many.

This is an older article first published in the Times in 2003, but the first time I've come across it. Pretty interesting.

The Futile Pursuit of Happiness

Hashing

2009-02-15T12:11:00.001-05:00

Hashing is becoming one of my favorite things. It's basically a running scavenger hunt that then ends up at a bar, called the On In. A "hare" sets a trail in chalk markings on sidewalks through the city. They all have different meanings and trip you up by sending you on false trails or making marks that can go in any direction.

The philosophy of the original Hash House Harriers from the 1938 charter:

-To promote physical fitness among our members
-To get rid of weekend hangovers
-To acquire a good thirst and to satisfy it in beer
-To persuade the older members that they are not as old as they feel

They are affectionately called "the drinking club with a running problem."

I feel that hashing is the epitome of the health/hedonism balance.

I am looking forward to some upcoming hashes. As they yell when the trail has been found, "On on!"

Nostalgia

2009-02-08T23:40:00.005-05:00

Ah, Facebook. What an interesting world we live in these days. You can keep up with everyone you know/knew by utilizing software that allows you to see new and old photos, get status updates, read blogs. It enables stalking of everyone in your life. You don't even have to try. It stalks people for you. The thing that gets really interesting is knowing about all of the people you haven't seen for a decade or two. Those people you would usually think of and wonder how they are can be found in a couple of clicks.

I don't know how I feel about it - that these days people don't really have to make that much of an effort to keep up with others. It gives people an easy out. Makes people lazy. It scares me when I look at my phone call list and see I haven't actually used my cell with my voice for 3 days and the last call was with my mother. But, I've been in touch with many people over those 3 days. Between texts, emails, Facebook...

There have been a few photos that have recently popped up on Facebook that I can't stop looking at. They remind me of so much about that time. That time in high school where I didn't have the internet, I didn't have a cell phone, and I didn't take that many photos. So, the pictures that actually do exist are so meaningful to me. It's funny that when I look back 2 years, there is such a huge record of what was happening. In 2 years from now, when I look back on this time, there will be as well. But, when I look back 15 years, I have these hazy memories. I love these photos. They say so much.

This is one of my favorites. It's hard to explain how much this photo stirs in me and how much I remember from that day.

Winter Cold.

2009-02-07T21:58:00.002-05:00

Every winter, I get sick at least once. Usually it is around my birthday in December. I'll get some sort of cold which will then turn into a cough. I'll lose my voice. It will come, annoy me, and go.

This year, I got sick, felt better, and am now sick again. It's like I just can't kick it. I've not been sick like this in years, but it also isn't turning into a cough. It's just a headcold that seems not to leave. I am congested even when I take meds. I am exhausted. It's uber frustrating and I hope it gets better soon.

Well, I suppose it's better than urine.

2009-02-06T15:43:00.002-05:00

Seems there's been some air freshener coming from Jersey, of all places.
What's that smell?

Old Jews

2009-02-06T09:43:00.003-05:00

This made me smile this morning.
Old Jews Telling Jokes

New addictions

2009-02-05T22:20:00.005-05:00

While we were away for my birthday, one of my friends introduced the rest of us to Radio Lab. It's a podcast on WNYC which is just awesome. They basically take big, broad topics and then do hour long shows where they delve into scientific reasoning and anecdotes splashed with commentary and music. I don't even remember the topic of the one we listened to up there. I will have to re-listen to whatever it was. But, it had the 7 of us completely entranced in the cabin for an hour. I wonder if any of us remembers it.

In any case, that sparked interest among my friends, one of whom reminded me about it today. He had listened to a few this morning and was raving about it. Lately, I've been feeling like my brain is rotting and I am not learning anything new. So, I downloaded about 50 podcasts to start listening to. I was thinking that it would be a pretty stimulating experience to start listening to educational podcasts at the gym. Since I was not feeling well today, starting on my ride home, I listened to 4 podcasts on sleep, self, stress, and love. Next up: race, time, and sperm. So, I'm having an intellectual affair with the host of this podcast and an emotional one with Elliot Smith. I have a thing for headphones.

Foodish

2009-02-05T00:19:00.003-05:00

While the official definition is somewhat different, personally, I define a "Foodie" as "a snobby person who likes all sorts of strange and (maybe) delicious (but more likely strange) foods that usually cost too much while not believing in imposing any dietary restrictions on themselves and not believing in food allergies."

Since I cannot live up to this definition that I have made up, I would like to make up a new term and call it "Foodish." The definition would go something like "a person who likes all sorts of strange and delicious foods, enjoys a good deal, is skeptical of overpriced and uber fancy restaurants (who needs to be spending hundreds on sushi?), and allows some restrictions to be placed on food intake based on whatever I feel like."
Tagline: Foodish - what do you need all that fancy schmancy fakakta stuff for?

To this end, I'd like to find a good steak. I've done Peter Luger. I've done Smith and Wollensky. What I want is a reasonably priced (under $30?) filet that melts in my mouth. I think this is possible in this city, and especially with all of the price cuts and recession specials, I have faith I can seek this out.

My first couple of thoughts are Essex and Freeman's on the LES. I am going to start collecting ideas, so if anyone has any suggestions, I will gladly take them...

I heart NY

2009-02-04T14:49:00.004-05:00

Ah, yes. I do love New York. I love that feeling that I get every time I come back into the city after being away. Driving in and seeing the buildings appear, flying in and seeing Manhattan and Queens from above. I just love it. And this awesome post from the NYTs blog shows that sometimes when you love New York and you are away from home, it shows in interesting ways.

Here is one of my favorites.

Visit the blog here.

Post-race. I'm back.

2009-02-01T22:50:00.004-05:00

Qualifier #1! Complete! Very excited to have completed my first qualifying race for the 2010 Marathon. I am on my way.

I was completely nervous about this race since I hadn't run outside in a while, my knee has been bothering me, etc. But, it was great. It started off as a freezing day, so we were shivering waiting for the race to begin, but like it always does, as we got going, the weather became a non-issue. We warmed up and felt fine. It was a good race. 4 miles in 40:57, which is a pretty decent pace for me - 10:14 average per mile. I felt strong. There were a bunch of hills, but they were doable. I think all the hill training from last year paid off. That, and the San Fran run itself, which was very very hilly.

I finally feel like I'm back in business here. This past week I've been able to hit the gym a lot, and after today, I feel like I am on my way to start training again. It has been a tough few months without training.

Lately I've been feeling a bit cloudy. Some of it might have to do with post-marathon depression. Some because I turned 30. Some because of the holidays. Some because of the cold. Some because of the New Year. Some because of the economy. Some because of the new administration (what are we supposed to be complaining about now?) And, as Rufus Wainwright would say, "and then there's those other things, which for several reasons we won't mention..."

This past week I went on the wagon in the attempt to find some clarity, kick some butt working out and on this race, and to try and balance my intake with my output. It's a tough thing - trying to find the balance when it comes to these things. I am feeling ready to learn how to drink in a way that doesn't always lead to a hangover. It's just not cool and I have too many important things to do and think about. I knew I'd allow myself to fall off the wagon after the race, which I did today, but not to excess.

In general I find that I am an extremist. I have difficulty finding the middle ground. I was thinking that that's ok - if I have a balance of extremes, they can work themselves out, but I am starting to realize that isn't necessarily true. I think that I'm really going to have to find some actual balance on a daily basis and not treat life like someone who goes to confession after they commit crimes. Or, even worse and sometimes more common for me, committing the crime after going to confession.

Pre-race anxiety

2009-01-31T22:38:00.006-05:00

Did I train enough? Will my knee hurt? Will I wake up on time? Did I pack everything I need in my bag? Will I get to the gym in time to lock my stuff up so I don't have to check a bag at the race? I can't lose my IPhone. Maybe I should leave my IPhone at home. I can't leave it at home; I'm going all the way to Central Park. I need to use it to get in touch with my friend when I meet her at Atlantic Center. I need it for after the race to get in touch with people. It's Superbowl Sunday. Is the outfit I packed to change into going to be appropriate for the weather? Will I want to shower at the gym after the race? Should I bring my hair stuff and a post-shower outfit or should I stay in my running clothes? Maybe I will go home after and take a nap. Will it be crowded? Will I find all the people I know who will also be there? Is the shirt I'm wearing going to be too hot? Too cold? Do I need gloves? Should I bring a water bottle or leave it in the locker? Should I bring a smaller bag to check at the race with some stuff for right after? It's only 4 miles, so it's not like I'm going to be so in need of food or drink right after. They probably have a water station at the end. Maybe they'll have fruit. I like fruit. The gym is going to be right near the end so it will be easy to get all my stuff and I won't have to worry. What should I have on me in my pockets? ID, gym card. Do I need anything else? I wonder if the new pants I bought today will drag on the ground. That will be distracting when I'm running. They'll be fine. I've run in much heavier pants. Maybe they are too light? Is 40 degrees still cold? Yes, it is, but not like it's 20 degrees. Is a banana enough to eat before? Should I get up to give myself enough time to cook an egg, too? Should I shower before? Then I have to dry my hair before I leave and I have to get up even earlier. Will the alarm on my clock wake me up? I have to call my mother back.

Meat. Bring it. My relationship with food.

2009-01-29T17:56:00.017-05:00

So, I gave up not eating meat the day after my 30th birthday. It wasn't something totally off the wall - I had been thinking about it for a while and after I heard that there would be some fois gras coming to my birthday weekend extravaganza, I decided I'd likely have some of that. (Ironically, the last time I had purposely consumed meat was a year before and it was chopped liver. Who knew I'd be so into liver? Mom would be proud.)

While we were in the car on the way up to my weekend away in Vermont, my friend broke open a bag of beef jerky from Trader Joe's. It smelled so good, I said "can I try some?" And my vegetarianism was broken.

I had been a vegetarian for a number of years as a teenager - I think 5 or so years. That started when I was grossed out by meat too many times in a row and then just decided to stop. I didn't want to consume animals anymore. So, at that time, it was more of a moral issue. I suppose it faded out because I broke that meat fast with a Hebrew National hot dog that I couldn't resist at a BBQ I was having in my mother's backyard. They were sizzling and smelling so good. It was all over for me. I had that and then went back to all meats (save for veal...I never ate that and still don't). I started slowly. Had the normal stuff and kept all my burgers and steaks well done for years. I tried more and more types of meat and the steaks got pinker until my mid-twenties when they went red (well, a slit of red when done properly). I had never been much of a fish fan, but I started with shellfish, fried things, worked my way to sushi and finally to actual pieces of fish. My visit to Maui was the point of no return for me when it came to sashimi and pieces of fish like Mahi Mahi.

By 3 years ago, there wasn't much I didn't eat. And, it showed.

In May of 2006, I decided I was fat enough. So I went on a low carb diet - South Beach, to be exact. I gave up carbs and ate primarily protein. I loved it. Then I went to Italy on vacation and went crazy with the carbs. And felt terrible. That was the beginning of me realizing I can't take wheat.

In the spring of 2007, I decided to do a raw diet as a cleanse. That was the end of all wheat products or me. And, I just never put meat back into my diet as I started adding non-raw foods. I also happened to read Skinny Bitch at the time which is a push toward being all organic and vegan. So, that's where I stayed for a while. Slowly I added back some dairy and some fish, but no meat. And wheat products were out of the question. It was all health-related. But, eating became a real challenge, especially when I was out. People kind of understood the no meat but had no comprehension of no wheat. And both combined was just a cluster...

But, I maintained that for a while, even through training last year. It just felt that the more I exercised, the more energy my body needed. I felt tired. I just felt like I wasn't getting enough protein and iron from soy products and beans and nuts. Maybe if I could cook a lot more and eat really healthy foods all the time like quinoa and highly nutritious greens, I would have maintained. But, I just can't. I started craving meat. I'd dream of steaks. But, I knew that I'd either be on meat or off of it, and I wasn't ready to put it back in yet.

So, I ran my marathon. Then I turned 30. And I was done. It was time for some meat.

My birthday weekend, I ate beef jerky, fois gras, salami, bacon, and venison jerky. My first few days back, I had cow, duck, pig, and deer. How's that for being back? Since then, I've been eating meat a lot. Trying to have more of the lean meats - lots of chicken and fish - but, I cannot help myself when it comes to things like bacon and kielbasa. Feed me.

Um, delicious.

Watercolor from my birthday weekend. I painted the bacon and my friend added in the highly attractive portrait of me.

It's on.

2009-01-29T17:47:00.004-05:00

I am very excited that my first qualifying race for the NYC 2010 Marathon is this Sunday! I was freaked out for a couple of weeks because my knee was giving me issues, but I ran the other day and am going to kick the crap out of the 4 miles this weekend.

Well, maybe not kick the crap out of them, but at least, you know, run them. Slowly.

Whatever. It's gonna be awesome.

25 things.

2009-01-28T23:42:00.001-05:00

I know it's lame that I'm posting something I did on Facebook, but I kind of liked this.

25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me.

1. I have absolutely no problem listening to the same song or album on repeat indefinitely. Especially if the song happens to be "The Only Living Boy in New York." I can listen to that for an hour and get chills each time.

2. I answer questions about my feelings and opinions too quickly a lot of the time, especially if I'm drinking. The real answer usually comes to me within a few days.

3. I write a lot of lists, but then don't look at them for a long time.

4. Sometimes I have fantasies about living in a log cabin in Vermont, spending my days throwing pottery, cooking, and drinking wine by the fire.

5. I feel the need to always wear toenail polish since I have big feet and think they look like boy feet without it.

6. When I see the cops in the subway stations with their tables, ready to search bags, it makes me nervous and I think about what I have in my bags and if it would be embarrassing or illegal. I don't look any of them in the eye and pretend to read the sign that is on the table or purposely avoid looking at them at all. I basically end up looking like the dude who walks by people whistling with his hands in his pockets.

7. I have problems with eye contact in general. I am completely shy on the subway and if I ever make eye contact, I quickly look away and then avoid the person completely the rest of the time. I decided recently to attempt to "engage" strangers more often.

8. When I was very young, I convinced a friend that urinating in a plastic bag was a good idea.

9. I don't believe in ultimate happiness. Just fleeting moments of brilliance.

10. I wish I was an expert at something, but I have no idea what.

11. I always feel the need to be doing something, but don't always enjoy what I'm doing because I am thinking about the next thing I'm going to do.

12. If I put my two pinky fingers together, they form a "v" because the upper knuckles are angled.

13. I can't imagine living in an apartment without a bathtub, though I hardly ever take baths.

14. I'm scared of the dark.

15. I used to think that there was a time in your life when you stopped making new friends and liking new music.

16. I've lived in New City, New Paltz, Middletown, Manhattan, London, Queens, New Orleans, Queens again, and Brooklyn in a house, dorms, and apartments with a total of 2 parents, 1 sister, 2 boyfriends, 12 girl and 5 guy roommates. (This doesn't count couch surfing or surfers)

17. Sometimes I want to do things like join the roller derby or do burlesque. But then I realize I'm not that girl. And I can't roller skate. Or dance.

18. My guitar playing has not really improved from when I was 15. But my voice has. Slightly.

19. I feel guilty every day that I don't exercise.

20. My cat is much nicer than I am.

21. I cry much more often about fictional drama than about my own.

22. I really like doing things that have a tangible end result. Like building IKEA furniture.

23. I would tell anyone who asks that astrology is bullshit but then I read my horoscope every day and judge people by their astrological signs. "Oh, that must be because you're a Virgo..."

24. Being Agnostic is an easy way for me not to make a decision and not to be wrong.

25. I've been contemplating the same tattoo for more than half my life, but I just can't decide...because what if I'm wrong?

Gut.

2008-12-19T16:37:00.003-05:00

Seriously.

When will this ever change? I get a feeling about something and then question that feeling. The feeling is always right. Always. Why do I continue to question when time after time I wish I went with my gut?

I thought so much recently that I gave myself an ear infection.

And, here it all begins, or continues....

2008-12-11T00:01:00.000-05:00

I am starting this post 4 minutes before midnight, but when I publish it, I will be 30.

I sit from my own apartment, with my cat, after returning from a work trip to Chicago. I am relatively healthy, I have a ton of friends, I date. Life is pretty good, but I always feel as if there is more out there. And, there is. More to learn, more people to know, more places to go, more things to find out about myself. It's a good feeling.

And, as is completely perfect, as I am ready to hit "publish" a Sex and the City rerun comes on.

It's funny.

2008-12-03T19:18:00.001-05:00

Lately, when I'm feeling anxious and my brain keeps spinning in thought, I've taken to saying "stop it" or "shut up" out loud. Luckily, this has only been happening when I'm alone at home. Starting to possibly understand those people on the street.

You know, I watch the things I think, see the things I write, and hear the things I say. And, daily, I realize what a lunatic I actually am. Does being self-aware count when you are a crazy person?