Keepin' it real.

I try really hard for this blog to not turn into a venue where I sit around whining about things. So, when I start going into a headspin about crap, I tend not to want to write much here because I feel pathetic and this space is about kicking life in the face, not letting life kick me in the shins.

But, to be real, I seriously can't keep the facade of strength up. Anyone who knows me well is highly aware of this and anyone who just knows the exterior will either guess or shortly find out. I used to think that I was able to hide the weak stuff really well, but, especially when I was younger, it was so obvious. The tough girl act. And, it still is. I try to approach situations in a more genuine way, but the tough girl always comes out when there are difficult emotions that I don't want to express, much less admit to. And, I lash out. Even worse, I lash in.

I've had a number of epiphanies as of late about myself and my interactions with others. It's been tough to come to certain realizations and to watch myself continue on in similar patterns even when I know, I really know, better. It's frustrating that I feel unable to control certain things when I know I can. I've been able to be strict with myself when it comes to training for races, but not when it comes to other parts of my life. At first, the training DID help me be more strict about other things. What's interesting to me is that now I am so used to sort of perpetually training, or at least working out, that it's a normal part of my existence. It's fantastic that being more fit has become more of a lifestyle, but now it's like I need to push harder to force myself into a stricter routine so I can be strict with myself in other ways. I am starting to see why some people may do multiple marathons a year, longer distances, other endurance events...it's a way to try and perpetually stop the head spin. Maybe for some, it's not about the "needing control over something, anything in this crazy life!" thing, but I can see how it could be for many.

So, yeah. I am going to start a true training plan for the Manhattan Half next week...gives me 5 weeks to train up, which is fine. And, maybe it will help me gain control of some other parts of my life. Or, not. But, at least I will feel in control of something, anything. This crazy, crazy life.